Livin' Large in Zoo World

I have an addiction. No, it's not what you're thinking. It's not booze or drugs or illicit sex with tropical plant life. You might even consider it trivial, but I've got one big monkey on my back. In fact, I have several--along with a few Mandrills, Orangutans, Gorillas and over 3800 other animals. That's right, I'm addicted to Zoo World, a Facebook game.

At first glance, it looks like a child's game but make no mistake: this is a game tailor-made for the adult, unemployed masses of the world. Short on cash in your personal life? Soothe your subconscious guilt by weilding billions in purchasing power!

Concerned over those home improvement projects you've let slide? No matter! Build yourself a community with some of the world's most famous buildings: St. Basil's Cathedral, the Parthenon, the Sydney Opera House, Big Ben and more. (Okay, I admit it; I still haven't quite figured out why you would put Big Ben in the middle of a zoo but it just might be possible that animals are curious about the time, too, you know?)

I suspect that there is no current treatment for this particular affliction. People roll their eyes and snicker when they see me collect unbroken animal hearts and pass out animal treats. Their disdain and ridicule have driven me to spend hours in secluded privacy, huddled over my laptop. Mine is a lonely existence. So I've decided to help myself and others like me, to give us the power to cast aside our mouses (mice? meese?) and shun repetitive stress injuries.

I've decided to start my own 12-step program.

Step 1: I admit that I am powerless over Zoo World and that my life has become laughable.

Step 2: I have come to believe that Mark Zuckerberg (a Power greater than ourselves) could restore me to sanity.

Step 3: I have decided to turn my zoo over to the care of Zoomates as I understand them.

Step 4: I have made a searching and fearless inventory of my zoo (1592 uncommon, 1872 rare and 3 ultra rare animals from 89 uncommon, 244 rare and 1 ultra rare species).

Step 5: I have admitted to Comcast, myself, my Dalmatian and my chihuahua the childish nature of this game.

Step 6: I am entirely ready to "unlike" this application.

Step 7: I have humbly asked my roommate to remove my bookmarks.

Step 8: I have made a list of all Zoomates, and I am willing to send "limited gifts" to them all.

Step 9: I have made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would compromise their "zoo happiness" or allow them to advance a level or two past me.

Step 10: I have continued to take hire maintenance managers and when I have received zoo gifts, sent gifts in return.

Step 11: I have sought through animal breeding and island expansion to improve my zoo happiness as I understand it, asking only that those stupid "Oops!", "Zoo Alerts" and "ultra rare animal" 99-cent purchase opportunities stop, please, stop. And what's with that muzak from the Rain Forest Cafe?

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, I will try to carry this message to zoo-holics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

On second thought, you might hear something go bump in the night later. No worries. That's just me falling off the animal feed wagon. There's a flash sale on Jacaranda Trees!