Remembering my Mother on my Birthday

I am a little bemused to discover recently that, despite all the stories I've written about those I love, I have yet to address the subject of my mother. Perhaps because I find it difficult to do so. Not because we had a strained relationship or unresolved issues. Quite the contrary. It might just be because I want to keep her to myself just a little while longer.

I'm also afraid of doing her a disservice. I don't want to diminish her in any way or in anyone's eyes. As a child, she was my world. As an adult...well, let's just say she is never far from me.

My mother was very private; she let few people into her daily life and fewer still into the small, delightful secrets she kept. These gentle acts of kindness and generosity still amaze me, yet she considered them to be private obligations that would diminish in value should they become public. Family members to this day pull me aside and tell me how she kept the wolf from many doors by paying off bills, buying food, lending money and more.  She was exceptionally kind to the younger women in our family and helped them transition from tomboys into beauty queens. She herself remains to this day as the single most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

She understood the power of forgiveness--having been forgiven herself--and always strove to extend and demonstrate that forgiveness to others by making and maintaining a personal commitment to each of us--a reflection of her personal relationship with God. Because He had accepted her with all her faults and flaws, she could do no less than to accept all of us just as we were.

My mother understood that life was about choices. She herself made choices by faith with the confidence of knowing that in all things--all things--God works for the good of those that love Him (Rom 8:28). One particular choice she made had a profound effect on my own life.

In 1961, when I was born, special needs children were not cherished and treasured as they are today. My birth had many complications which, in combination, led my mother's doctor to have a serious conversation with her. She, he explained in so many words, had been selfish to bring me into this world. Given the challenges I faced (club feet, misformed pelvis, kidney disease, jaundice, possible mental retardation), she ought to do the right thing and put me (away) in a place where others tasked with such problem children could take on the burden that would undoubtedly be me.

When she asked to see me for the first time (they didn't do natural childbirth in those days), they instead brought her a form to sign to have me committed. Undaunted, she insisted. "He may be damaged," she said, "but he's mine." Over 20 years later, when I graduated with honors from the University of Missouri, she sent that doctor an invitation to the ceremony.

That's not to say that my early years were easy for her. She searched out every doctor on her own, queried every special needs organization for resources and help. She found little assistance. All the therapy, all the rehabilitation, all the instruction came trial and error at her hands. My father, frustrated and devastated over his helplessness, turned his attention to the things he could control and supported her while she did the hard work of taking me to an endless procession of doctors while repairs were made.

I still remember Mom and Dad visiting me in the hospital in Los Angeles, Dad putting a tiny cap gun set in my crib so I'd have something to play with. I remember the leg braces, special boots and shoes, and my mother's hurt while she watched me miss out on things I could not physically do. But, she never regretted her choice that day to be my mother. She made that choice with prayer, confident that God would work in my life to His glory. And for that, I will always love her.

Easter Sunday Testimony - April 16, 2017

When Pastor Dave asked me to give my testimony I didn’t hesitate to say yes. However, an hour later, I had to ask myself: just what are you going to say? I don’t want to showcase my past life. This is not a confessional. Instead, I want to give God the glory because He is faithful. By His mercy, grace and promise, He has redeemed my life from the pit.

I stand with the mother of Christ when she says in Luke 1:49 that He has done great things for me. And yet I also stand with the apostle Paul when he says in First Timothy 1:15 that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, and I am the worst of them.

I give glory to God in that He has been faithful at every point in my life regardless of whether or not I have been aware of it. Because of His character, He continues to care for me. Because He cannot lie and cannot change, He is faithful even – and especially – when I am not.

Please do not take my word at face value. Instead, like the Bereans, compare everything I say to scripture to see if it’s true.

That’s probably one of the biggest mistakes I ever made in life: to take someone else’s word for what faith, God and Christianity are. It was a mistake to make personal choices in response to others’ failures or hypocrisy. When I tried to walk someone else’s path, I was content for a season but then, over time, I would become disillusioned and dissatisfied. I was present, but I was not engaged.

I internalized my dissatisfaction. I figured there was something inherently wrong with me rather than recognizing that the wrong lay with my trying to live according to someone else’s beliefs and values. I struggled in a lot of different areas, and I dreaded being called a hypocrite. So, I came out as a full-fledged sinner. I chose the long road--the one that leads downhill.

I made countless deliberate, conscious choices to indulge my every whim, desire, compulsion and addiction. The world says, if it feels good, do it. I can honestly tell you that feeling good is very fleeting. It happens once or twice, and you very rarely feel great. Your life becomes an endless cycle of trying to get back to that lost feeling. Most days you are happy to settle for feeling nothing at all..

Have you ever seen the television show “Hoarders?” There’s always that horrifying scene where the social worker first tries to walk through the house. Without fail, every room is stuffed to the rafters with filth, rotting garbage, and useless junk. That’s what my heart – and my life – looked like. I was holding on to useless, meaningless junk and trying to use it to keep God at bay. I was filled with self-loathing, and that drove me to more extreme behavior. The details are not important. What is important, however, is how increasingly great my need for God became.

I didn’t know it then, but He is jealous for me. He was then, and He continues to be today. God pursued me by stripping away everything I had – my job, my house, my car, my savings. On the day the repo man came for my BMW, I dared to do something I swore I would never do. I called my sister for help. I did not know it at the time but she, in turn, called for help. She called my younger sister and my cousins. And they in turn called for help from their fellowship groups, their churches and their friends. Unbeknownst to me, many people were praying specifically for me every single day.

A few months later, shortly after my 50th birthday, I knelt by the side of my bed and said out loud, If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9. Praise God for Manny Dominguez and Awana, huh?

I prayed, genuinely prayed, for perhaps the first time in my life. It was a pretty simple prayer. I just laid it all out and said, Father I can’t do this. I have made a disaster of my life. I have nowhere left to go. I have nothing to give. I cannot do this anymore. If you still want me, please take me.

I can honestly say there was an immediate physical effect. I felt a huge weight lifted off me, and I had a genuine desire to get into the Word. I spent months in the Psalms and the prophets, learning how to be alone with the Lord and satisfied. The Lord became my stronghold, and my God the rock of my salvation. Psalm 94:22. My addictions, obsessions and cravings lost their stranglehold on me and faded in the face of my increasing satisfaction with God.

My physical circumstances, however, did not change. I was still unemployed and broke. The house was headed into foreclosure. Keeping the lights on and food on the table was increasingly difficult. My unemployment was only $150 per week and that was nearly done.

I was in dire straits. And yet, I was full of hope. I had a future again, even though I couldn’t see it, because in Jeremiah 29:11, God promised--He has plans for me. Indeed, He had given me hope and a good future.

Believe it or not I would love to go back to that time. I was living alone for the first time in about 15 years and I finally had something of my own. I had an incredible sense of peace and providence. And yet, by the world’s standards, I had nothing. No cable TV, no computer, no internet, no air conditioning, no car. At one point, I had no running water.

I had nothing. And yet I had everything. Because I had a true hunger for the first time in my life. I had a new understanding of scripture and what it meant for me. I had a future in front of me.

Under the Mosaic Law, God granted the nation of Israel a Jubilee every 50 years where every debt was forgiven and everyone could return home. When I turned 50, God gave me my Jubilee. Over the course of my rebellion I had thrown away my self-respect, my health, my future, and my family. But that year, God gave everything back to me with both hands.

Thanks to my family, I was able to move from Florida back to Elgin. I had less than $100 in my pocket. Within a week of returning, my family found an apartment for me which they furnished. They also bought me a car. Although I had been out of work and unemployable for about two years, God gave me a job within a month of my return. The salary was low, but I excelled at the work. God provided the perfect job for me to rediscover my self-worth and rebuild my work ethic. One year later, God gave me my dream job at more than twice the salary with full benefits.

A part of my past followed me back to Elgin. My debt. Between an unpaid, underwater mortgage, back taxes, and credit cards, I owed over $325,000. But God had plans for that, too. I enrolled in Financial Peace University, and it made a huge impact on my life. It gave me discipline. God directly intervened in my finances by providing a short sale of the house. He challenged me to trust Him by tithing while paying down my debt, and I am humbled to say that I am now debt free.

If what I’ve said resonates with you and you are daily sharing my experience of God, give God the glory. If you’re wondering when I am going to get off the podium, take heart: I’m almost finished. But if what I’ve said sounds completely foreign and yet appealing, be a Berean. Search the scriptures to see if the things I’ve said are true. If the Holy Spirit is moving in this room, please consider how you will respond. Consider Psalm 95:8. Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your heart.

I encourage and invite you to explore what a truly, uniquely personal relationship with God can be. If you want to speak to someone about this, there will be an opportunity to seek prayer after the service. If you’re thinking that your life is too messed up or that God cannot change your heart, please seek me out and let me speak with you, but be aware I may sing.

For I will sing to the Lord as long as I live; I will sing praise to my God while I have being for He has done great things for me. If what I’ve said has blessed you, give glory to God. Thank you.